Jan 19, 2012

Second Guessing Everything

I'm not in a good place right now...

Was that last post helpful at all? Sort of? Maybe? Or was it just more of the same old, same old...? I don't know why I even wrote it. I almost didn't post it... sat there arguing with myself over it. But not just the last one, the one before it even. I mean, perspective is my key element of defense... it's what I've been holding on to and something I've wanted to talk about for a while now but... was what I wound up saying about it of any use? I- I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.

I'm starting to stress out again... I've felt it coming on for the last couple of days now. Only this time it's not over something I can just vent about and be done with, it's a situation I'm kind of stuck with and it's not going away.

To re-examine a question Nightscream asked a month or two ago... it's been a month or two ago hasn't it? Fucking dates... whatever. I don't think my available food supplies are going to last me much longer. Even if I dig into some things I'd been saving and stretch it all out, I really don't see this lasting more than a couple of weeks. I've been watching this little stack of boxes slowly dwindle away for a while now and it's finally getting to me. There's no way to have anything delivered out here without compromising myself... I could go out on my own and come back later but... that's not really a safe bet either. So it feels like I'm going to have to just... leave. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that...

Not enough time to prepare myself.... never enough time...

So now I've basically been sitting around here worrying myself half to death about what I'm going to do next and where am I gonna go... I've got all sorts of plans floating around my head, but... fuck, I- ....I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid to go out there. For all my studies, I still don't know what to expect. Anything could happen.

And I can't help thinking that... all this worry and stress and fear and whatever the hell else... is gonna lead him right to me... So I keep trying to just distract myself and ignore it all, but it's always there, calling in the back of my mind and I can't escape it. I can't guard my perceptions like this... and that's extremely extremely bad... because if I keep thinking something terrible is about to happen....

...then it probably will.


  1. First thing, chill out.

    Second thing, count up your supplies and come up with an approximate date in which you might have to bail out. Do not panic if that date is closer than you think it is. It would have come whether or not you knew it in advance, and there's no point in extra stress.

    Third, as far as I can tell, you are not in any direct danger. Right now, and correct me if I'm wrong, I would compare your situation to sitting in a bomb shelter 50 years after WWII is over because you heard about the devastation that bombs can cause from a friend.

    All things considered, here's my advice. If you choose to make a sprint to the supermarket for more supplies, I suggest leaving in a state of meditation if you can. This is just a hunch, but if it's your mind the monster tracks, it might be possible to "keep your voice down", so to speak.

    And if you plan on something more long-term... well, like I said, you've got a bit of a head start, and it's not impossible to live your life this way. The most important thing is to not let it get to you. You strike me as a guy able to keep track of your thoughts, so cultivate that skill.

    1. Chilling out is way easier said than done. ^.^;; But I'm trying...

      I'm going to have to clean the place up a bit before I can get an accurate count like that... make sure I'm not missing anything. But I guess that's something to do for a bit so, yeah, I can do that.

      As for immediate danger... I've really no clue. Which is probably why it's so easy to worry about. But I'm trying to work that out... keyword "try." I still don't know if going out for supplies is really something I'd be able to manage or not though. Before I was bring things over in small bundles, this would need to be a fairly major haul I think... and I'd have to do it all traveling on foot. "Town" is not exactly a stone's throw away from where I'm at. But I dunno... maybe... it's possible...

    2. February 2nd... if I don't stretch anything out or tap into something I was saving for emergencies. Will have to decide if I'm making a move or not by then...

    3. Yes chilling out is really way harder than it should be! I haventbeen able to chill out since all this started for me either so i don't blame you for being kidn of scared the way you are now. but you can do it you seem like a smart guy, you just gotta get up high instead of down low! hahaha

  2. I've found your information helpful, so you can stop second-guessing yourself for starters. Your list of potential "escape routes" was particularly helpful. It was nice to see my options laid out in front of me.

    As for leaving the bunker, well, it depends on whether you think going it alone is better or travelling in groups. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd be happy to have you link up with them.

    1. Heh, I doubt I'll stop second guessing myself right away, but... Thanks. I don't hear that often really, so... it's good to know I might be helping in a few small ways at least.

      for the other bit... I don't know yet... I just don't know.

  3. Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn... I didn't ask you that question all that time ago for my own health, you know. Might have been smart to look into the matter rather than tossing a coin into the air with the generalized response you gave me. I have to say, I've been somewhat... waiting for this little post to come along. Only a matter of time, after all.

    There is a slim chance you could leave and return. Remember, my friend, for as "in the know" in events as you are... you have not even seen our Father yet. Panicking at this point is rather senseless. While it is true, there is a first time for everything and such... who is anyone to know? You may be one of the Naturals. And by that, I mean the third category. I believe Maduin once mentioned it.

    First, you have your broadest category. Those who've been infected secondhand. Whether that be by having the poor luck of running across one who has already Seen Him. Or perhaps watching the vlogs for amusement sake. Or the blogs, for that matter. Or pictures. A journal. There are many ways, but, whichever route, they were exposed by something else that which already carried the infection.

    Secondly, there are the Natural Targets. People who had never even heard of Him, and yet... become a target for seemingly no reason at all. Marked from Birth, if you will. It has become less common, but it still happens.

    Thirdly, there are Natural Exclusions. People who expose themselves in nearly every way possible... and never seen Him. Even once. They are left under the impression it is all an elaborate Game. That Proxies are merely people who take on the role of His Servants and Runners are people with a sadistic inclination to create a "Cyber-Self" and destroy it in the most creative of ways. That we are only writers. I'm sure some of the blogs around are people along this route. They are lucky. Blessed with ignorance. And will never truly appreciate it for obvious reasons.

    It is possible... that you could be so fortunate to be in that third category. The chances are not in your favor, but having a chance at all is something, no?

    On the other hand, even if you do see Him when you come out of your little hole... it isn't as though He will tear you to shreds on first sight. He likes to break His targets down first. Now, isn't that reassuring?

    1. The possibility of secondhand contact exists though. It existed from the start. I mean, I'm only down here because of another of the hunted tricked me into doing this. I... try not to think of it that way but, that's basically what it was, correct? So, it remains a worry. I'd like to prefer to think I'm part of that third category, but I've no more reason to believe I'm a part of it than to believe I'm a part of either of the other two... so... kiiiind of fucked in that regard. Everything's speculation.

      Still, reassuring thoughts, certainly... even that last bit... -.-;; So... Thanks.

  4. ...It's always a little bit sad when you look at someone you built up in your head as a monster and see instead just another scared man.
    In light of everything, neither of us need any more enemies. Truce?

    1. A "truce" is a thing I can consider. But I'm still a "douchecanoe" (which was clever by the way, extra points for that one), so don't expect much else for the moment. Neutrality is the best I can offer until I'm given reason to consider otherwise.

      ....but I appreciate that you cared enough to offer.

    2. I may be reactive, but heartless I am not, whatever you may think of me. I'd offer to help if I didn't figure it'd make you suspicious after my particularly stupid notions in the past.
      You're right, we need to fucking work together, which means less stupid grudges like this one.

    3. ....point taken.

      Truce for now. Can talk it over when I've got my wits about me.

    4. You know how to reach me, stonebum

    5. This is such a touching moment, I'm so happy for you two. Actually, you know what, that isn't sarcastic, sometimes it actually is nice to see things work out in the end.

      Well the middle anyways.

      See you around

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. I've already offered to help you out of this bind, Gargoyle. Multiple times. I have the money, I have the resources, and I frankly don't give a fuck what the Fears let alone Slendy think. They're already intimate with my home, it isn't going to matter if you draw Them there either. This is the last time I'm extending the offer.

    If you reject it and swear "you're going to be okay" out of pride or just plain bullheadedness, I'm going to stop being a fangirl. Because then, you'll be plenty stupid AND trying to survive on your own. Not going to be emotionally invested in someone that fucking starves themselves to death out of fear for something that is the Eldritch version of a godforfuckingsaken lawyer!

    1. It's not that I don't want your help... but as you said, you're pretty deep in this. If for no other reason than for the sake of the "experiment," if the Bunker is going to be compromised, I'd rather it be because I fucked up somehow, not because I called over a well known runner/gatherer.

      And them being intimate with your home is exactly the reason I don't want to stay with you, also... ^.^;; It's nothing personal, I just know I would not be comfortable in such an obviously compromised location.

      But were I forced to abandon ship in the event of it actually showing up... then yeah, come pick me up at the nearest truck stop and get me the fuck out of here. I'm not THAT stupid, geebus! I just... I don't want to run if I don't have to. If I can find some way to work this out... then it might be better for everyone. I just... I need to get my head back on straight...

    2. You're being prideful. Again.

      You would be safer at my home than your bunker, even. You wanna take the path of least resistance? You go do that. But tell me, hun, if it weren't safe... do you really fucking think I'd still be alive? I don't blog about everything, you stonefaced idiot.

      If you don't have to? Are you kidding me? You're running low on rations, you haven't been able to shower, you've nearly died from the Black Shakes, you've nearly poisoned yourself from the fumes of your not paying attention, OneWinged knows where you are and can tell anyone he pleases, dear god hope he isn't a fucking proxy.. the list goes on and on. Your bunker is one of the most foolish places to be, and it's masochistic to boot.

      Think about it. A safe place. Warm, freshly cooked food. Social interaction. The breeze on your face, and a clean bed to sleep in. Nothing to cause you nightmares. Trees, television, books you haven't read, someone who actually WANTS to be around you without talking about the Fears. You really want to give that up.. because I'm a Gatherer?

      Yes, that does mean you are indeed that stupid. Keep torturing yourself. I don't understand why you say it isn't personal, when there is no good reason on God's green Earth for you to not take me up on this offer.

    3. s'not pride... more... loyalty. Still stupid as hell, but it's all I've got. If there were a place after this, I don't think I could face him knowing that I abandoned it all and ran away because it got to be too hard. I... -.-;;

      I've got some counting to do. I'll get back to you when I can think straight.

    4. Loyalty to what? Your possibly dead friend, out of some kind of misplaced lethally obnoxious way of honoring/remembering him? It isn't about it being "too hard." Too hard would be your missing social contact, or wanting to shower.

      This.. fuck it. I'm beating my head against a brick wall. You should have already counted.

    5. What once was the "food pile" is now largely a "junk pile" so I kind of had to do a bit of clean up and make sure I had everything in order first. And I kept getting distracted looking up comments.

      Did I mention I've been nervous as fuck?

      And you know what, just... no. We're not talking about him anymore right now, I don't want to think about it. He's dead. He IS Dead. I refuse to consider anything else. He was too good of a person to be anything else!

  7. I guess as of right now, there isn't anything I can do but wish you luck. If I can help you in any way, just let me know.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.