Second Guessing Everything

I'm not in a good place right now...

Was that last post helpful at all? Sort of? Maybe? Or was it just more of the same old, same old...? I don't know why I even wrote it. I almost didn't post it... sat there arguing with myself over it. But not just the last one, the one before it even. I mean, perspective is my key element of defense... it's what I've been holding on to and something I've wanted to talk about for a while now but... was what I wound up saying about it of any use? I- I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.

I'm starting to stress out again... I've felt it coming on for the last couple of days now. Only this time it's not over something I can just vent about and be done with, it's a situation I'm kind of stuck with and it's not going away.

To re-examine a question Nightscream asked a month or two ago... it's been a month or two ago hasn't it? Fucking dates... whatever. I don't think my available food supplies are going to last me much longer. Even if I dig into some things I'd been saving and stretch it all out, I really don't see this lasting more than a couple of weeks. I've been watching this little stack of boxes slowly dwindle away for a while now and it's finally getting to me. There's no way to have anything delivered out here without compromising myself... I could go out on my own and come back later but... that's not really a safe bet either. So it feels like I'm going to have to just... leave. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that...

Not enough time to prepare myself.... never enough time...

So now I've basically been sitting around here worrying myself half to death about what I'm going to do next and where am I gonna go... I've got all sorts of plans floating around my head, but... fuck, I- ....I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid to go out there. For all my studies, I still don't know what to expect. Anything could happen.

And I can't help thinking that... all this worry and stress and fear and whatever the hell else... is gonna lead him right to me... So I keep trying to just distract myself and ignore it all, but it's always there, calling in the back of my mind and I can't escape it. I can't guard my perceptions like this... and that's extremely extremely bad... because if I keep thinking something terrible is about to happen....

...then it probably will.