Outside

I left the hotel a few days ago... Things have been sort of... "leveling out" since then...

I'm uhh... ha... I'm not okay. Ha, ha. Nooooo.... far from it... fuck.

Uhf... but I think I'm getting... better? Is that even a qualifier for this? I don't know. I'm recovering... sort of. Everything feels normal at least. Well... by comparison I mean. The air is normal... I see people again. Stuff like that. Still getting visions and crazy headaches but... they aren't as bad as they were. I'd say I'm getting used to them but... I'm not. I'm really not. Sudden first-person flashbacks to violent deaths you were never actually there to see is kind of a thing that refuses to be ignored. I just... I swear I just freeze up whenever it happens. Which normally isn't too big a deal... unless I do it in the middle of a street... so I've actually been trying to get out of the city so I can stay away from the endless crosswalks for a while.

Hnnn... keyword "trying"... I seem to keep walking in circles. Not constantly... and not as part of a loop or anything... I just sorta... drift off from time to time and forget where I was going. Which... I'm imagining is not a good sign, by any means.

I made it to a bus station though.... soon as I remember how to read a fucking map I'm getting out of here for a bit... See if I can remember what exactly would be considered "country" nowadays... God, my head will not stop spinning... I swear... I swear I've not gone retarded... shut up Benjamin... I just... I can't fucking remember things... it's coming back... because I mean... it never left, it just


okay, yeah, I... I don't want to think back to that night too much. The more I dwell on it the more it starts to hurt and the visions start up something fierce and- ohfuckingdamnit I was sitting over there when I started writing this, when did I get over he-ARGH...

Okay, see? See what I'm dealing with here? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Where the fuck was I even? My brain. My brain is fucked. Too much data at once and everything just went "screw you guys, I'm going home" and it was just me and the mindfuck, having a big mindfuck party. Now I'm just dealing with the fucking hangover until the rest of my memory and whatever else I'm missing comes back... god I hope it all comes back...


....of course, that's... that's not all that's coming back, is it? Shit.