In This Moment of Clarity

Rage is a hell of an emotion. Frustration and anger are one thing... but the overwhelming desire to just break the ever-loving SHIT out of everything around you with absolutely no regards for anything else is... somewhat therapeutic. It just kind of pushes everything else out of your mind for a little while. Clears the head. Because the only thing you're thinking of is laying your fists against the nearest object you can find and then doing it again... and again... and again. Luckily in this instance that object was not people... or eldritch horrors. So my knuckles are bleeding and there's a couple dented trash cans lying about in an alley somewhere and someone is probably wanting to question me about what the hell happened to that stop sign, but otherwise everything is hunky-dory over here.

Check it, I'm even typing pretty coherently.

Ignoring that I had to start this over a few times because my hands were still shaking anyways... but that stopped.

So, lets start with "I've been reading up on things." And "things" are just fucking depressing. And a couple of "things" have pissed me off. But I'll get to that later. WhiteCrow decided I was an important person to pay attention to all of a sudden and dropped a link early this morning to one of the last few posts on my blog. I'm sure YOU have all seen it before now. I only just now noticed it about two hours ago. And only after I slapped my little wavelength jamming gizmo to my forehead. Then I also saw Mr Anonymous's comment on my last post too(and Swan's replies attached to it). Between the two... I may have had a bit of a fit for a little while. As described above.

So lets get a few things straight here. Apart from a few vague almost hallucinatory recollections, I do not recall being assisted by anyone back in the hotel. Might explain how I got there... among other things... but I don't remember anyone ever specifically being there. There is no one with me now. There has not been anyone with me since I left the hotel. No one has been "helping me out" as it were, with ANYTHING as of late. So at the very least, there is no one hanging off my shoulder being all buddy buddy with me that I need to do a double take and start worrying about now.

Now, I'd already just "accepted" that someone was following me, because I picked that much up from Cassidy's reply Saturday. Didn't know how long it had been going on or how the fuck she knew about it but... Proxy, so I just took her word for it. It's either real or a scare tactic. Safer to assume the former. Still, I haven't noticed anyone tailing me. Maybe they were as invisible as their posts... either literally or perceptively. At least now I feel a little more aware of what I need to look out for... and have another excuse to keep my wits about me... Maybe the threat of another stalker will help me focus a bit more towards getting my head on right. I'm so used to the other threat I barely even consider it a threat anymore... just an inevitability.


Sigh... picking up from there I guess...
People have died. I'm aware. In fact... in a weird way... I was there. That's the even more irritating thing at this point. The visions haven't really stopped... just slowed down. He's still showing me things... as they happen now, it seems... even though he's nowhere around me. It's like I've got a front row seat to every terrible thing that happens these days. Does wonders for the psyche... -.-;

but I'm not here to complain about it... I just wanted to say I was there... so maybe that means they weren't really alone? I- ...I don't know. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of your losses. And in a weird way, I feel your pain. So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. It's not much, but it's the best I can do.

And Weaver I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure there's more to be gleamed from what I've been seeing so far but, up to this point my focus has been on shutting these things out, not memorizing them. I'm sure there's some details and insight that could be gained from this kind of shit, but I haven't really been in the condition to sort those things out. I will say however, that if I focus on any one memory/vision/whatever, then I can make more out of it. I experience them as though I'm fucking there... At this point, I just need enough of a description to jumpstart the vision. An identifier... sometimes just a name...

Great. That set off another headache. Good job Gargoyle. You're a credit to your health.

Though before I forget, while we're on this fucking topic... thanks for the link earlier WhiteCrow, but fair fucking warning. You're on the top of my shit list right now and I KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING LOOK LIKE. So just something to think about maybe? Pray I get worse before I get better...


So what else is happening then.... do we have any runner's left to be listening to me today? Seems like the only people I know anymore who are still alive are proxies... that just doesn't feel like a good sign. Maybe people are just laying a little lower these days. Or they're dead and new Messenger is too lazy to find out about them... and old Messenger was too fucked up to... I'll hold out for them being alive though. You Proxies seem to keep pretty detailed paperwork on that kind of shit for... Some... Reason... so I assume we'd have heard about it if you got someone I could name.

North... Shade needs something to do. Tell him to teach you some of that self defense stuff he seems to know... so you can subdue him next time he throws a bitch fit. Sound like a reasonable idea?

Shade... Stop throwing bitch fits. Also Fre- ....Caged is still alive. And full Proxy now. There, someone to direct anger towards. Have fun.

Caged... I was happy to see you were still alive. Now I'm not sure anymore. I guess I'm just kind of disappointed. Sorry if I just sic'd Shade on you, I assume if he was going to come after you he'd have done it anyways eventually. How's Philip? XP

Morningstar... I was going to say that I'd give the babies back because I hate children, but then I realized that the sound of a dozen wailing infants would probably drown out the sound of the bulldozer and there's just something strangely appealing about the notion of a "Stealth Bulldozer" but then I would still have to listen to screaming children and I don't think I'd ever be in the mood to put up with that, so we're going to have to take that one back to the drawing board. But give me like two mechanical engineers and I think we could work that out... I have no idea what I'd actually do with it though. But it's a fascinating idea. As for the dynamite... well... there are a LOT of politicians I never liked... but we're probably past the point of really needing to worry about that so... as practical uses go I'd probably need more time to think about that too. Let me get back to you on this one.

Oh... and I'm glad you friends aren't dead. And before anyone complains at me... I realize Gleeman and Crouching Tiger and the rest being alive means they go right back to killing people, and that sucks, but lets face it, if they hadn't survived then somebody else would still be killing those same people in their place. So lets just be happy for the Not Dead People for once how about it? Can that be a thing please?

Cassidy... If I had a better option than taking a bus, then I guess I'd go for it. But I don't have the money for a plane. And walking was/is a non-option. I'd consider stealingaquiring a car, but I don't trust myself to drive at the moment given my line of sight could at any second become suddenly obscured by "vision of man being ripped apart" type bullshit. That's kind of distracting.

Caden... Can't blame you...

Fakelight... You're still a dick

Joseph... How's the new job working out? I notice your kinda sorta 'rival' is still being a jackass... I still don't know if I'm supposed to like him or not. Are we supposed to like him?

Moriarty....? I'm not looking up how to spell that. Goldstien or whatever! Am I supposed to like you? What the fuck man? Seriously...

Aura... Keep laying low or whatever... I want to see what Overseer's next fuse blowing looks like.

Overseer.... Daaaaaaaaw~ <3
You know.... I spent a lot of time pondering over wild and crazy ideas about how I or some rag-tag team of raggamuffins or whatever could break into your compound and rescue her... and after all that work, you let her just walk out the door by herself without the slightest of commotions. I don't know whether to give Aura like, some kind of pen-ultimate badass award or to just laugh reeeeeeeeeeally hard at you.

But do give us an update or something. You being quiet frightens me. Stop that.

"R3D"... I fucking dislike you already. Why the fuck are you following me?

There are probably a lot more people I should be talking things at but I can't think very straight right now, so I guess that means the rage-high is wearing off and I need to start packing up. I'll check in on the rest later... or something.