Existance Denied

So I've been sitting here with my head leaned back against this wall for the last several hours now just trying to figure out where I went wrong. What? What the fuck did I do? What did any of use do? To deserve this shit?

I've lived in solitary squander for months, subjected myself to elements I was damned sure humanity had conquered shortly after the invention of roofing and air conditioning, been led to perform unsavory acts I've never wanted to have to do, I've had more blunt head injuries than I can fucking count anymore, been beat up, slapped around, and forced to sit through visions of more blood and gore than Hollywood horror movies have produced over the course of their entire history. And for what? Its fucking amusement? Is it really that simple??

I don't understand it. I've been researching this for months and I just don't understand it. It's not fair. None of it is fucking fair. What the FUCK does it even want?? What?? Are we being punished for something? Is this Nature getting back at us for ruining the planet? Or for just being bad people in general? Is this some divine reckoning for our "sins"? Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean?? What? WHAT?? Is it because I say "Fuck" too often? Is that it?? That's it isn't it! I let slip an F-bomb one too many times over the course of my life and now I get the tentacles. Is that how this works??

I can remember sitting around thinking when this first started how... how it didn't matter what he wants or why he wants it. All that matters is that you're stalked now, fucking deal with it. But now I'm sitting here and I'm facing down death and every little mistake I've made and stupid thing I've ever done is all flying through my head and I just want to know why. Why me? What did I do? WHY ME?? What's so fucking special about me? What sets me apart? Why am I stalked and that happy smiling loser over there playing games on his iPhone while he waits for the bus is allowed to just live his life Construct free? Explain it to me. Make this easier to accept. Give me SOMETHING.


...but that's the thing isn't it? I'm not special. You're not special. There is no pattern to be discerned here. In a matter of speaking, I just got "lucky". I was just in the right place at the wrong time. Won the fucking Slender-Lottery.

It's just human nature. We gotta explain every damned little thing. Makes us more comfortable, thinking we understand everything. S'why we made up a whole pantheon of Greek Gods just to explain away stuff we were too stupid to understand at the time. And it's really no different now. Why does he do this to us? We don't fucking know. We've made up a bunch of excuses for it, cause that's what we do. Oh, he feeds off our fear! Or, he exists to cause chaos! Or, it's all part of some elaborate "Game" being played out among gods! Are we seeing the Greek gods parallel again yet?

Face it. We don't understand. We've been trying to figure this thing out for decades and no one is any closer to scratching the surface now than they were when we started. Maybe there is no reason. Maybe it just does this shit because it does this shit and that's just what it does. It exists to watch and torment and kill. It has no reason for doing so. It isn't fun. He doesn't need to do it. He isn't power tripping. He just IS.

We're not dealing with some supernatural force of extreme intelligence going about some otherworldly plot to kill off all the world's preppy film majors with masked lunatics. Just because we don't understand something doesn't mean it's smarter than us, it just means we don't understand it. And look... Look at me! Look at all this shit I've been doing to myself! What has it gained me? Nothing! I could have stayed at home, laid out on my couch, and worked it to Sailor Moon. And nothing would have been any different. Tall guy standing in the corner watching my every move and waiting to kill me. Big fucking deal, least I'm comfortable and not recklessly injuring myself. He didn't make me do all this shit. I did it to myself.

I Did It To MYSELF.

You Are ALL Doing It To YOURSELVES.



....There's no point. There is no fighting it. There is nothing to fight. If it is going to get you. Then it is going to get you. And if it's not? Then it's not. Deal with it.









I'm going home.